And no, it’s not because of the lock-down or the Coronavirus.
Do you guys remember the time before the lock-down, when some days would just feel meh and meek, and while you could wake up and be perfectly fine, it wouldn’t take a lot for you to just feel off after a while and you would conclude it just wasn’t your day?
How some days would just be doomed as “it’s not my day”, clumsy everywhere, general mood just not feeling it even if the weather was great or you had fun activities planned?
When sometimes you would just feel frustrated or sad or angry, and have nothing else to blame for it but your hormones or the phase of the moon?
And how that would be normal?
Well, it should come as no surprise to anyone really, especially this budding clinical psychologist right here (it did though, really), but it turns out these situations still persevere during lock-downs!
You can be living your best life, having a great day introverting it out to the max, enjoying the sun from your garden or window sill, or a little stroll in a secluded area with a 1.5m distance from other people, and guess what? It can still just not be your day!
As if being locked up in self-quarantine isn’t enough stress on your body, you can have all your ducks in order and still just not be feeling it today. And while I am one of those people who yes, take every chance to basically blame their crabby mood on anything but themselves (blame it on people walking on the street, hormones, or bad dreams/sleep), I’m getting kind of fed up with blaming the lock-down for everything. Of course every week, if not simply a small set of days, can potentially lead in a new phase of adjustment or feeling (finally!) adjusted. And that’s both fine and normal under these circumstances.
But I’m really getting tired of blaming my bouts of tired-ness, bad mood, and general underlying current of agitation on a lock-down that’s been going on for so long, I’m not only used to it but kind of wishing for it to continue in a subdued way until my depleted-for-so-long-I-was-beginning-to-think-I’m-actually-an-extrovert introvert-batteries are finally completely full again.
That was a long sentence with a lot of information. I’m sorry. Thanks for sticking it through.
So some days I wake up, ready to live my best life, introvert-ing it up during the lock-down and planning my life and day a bit around doing things I haven’t been able to prioritise for too long, and I’m just really not feeling it.
Like yesterday – yesterday I woke up fine as always around 9am, and by noon, I had crawled back into bed and felt like resetting the clock and starting all over again.
Nothing had happened, nothing had gone wrong. Things were just feeling so stupid and silly and off, that my brain was telling me to shut down and listen to that one melancholic song over and over again, on repeat, until I felt better.
And so I listened and listened, and went outside for a walk and continued to listen to it – and it didn’t make me feel better. Really, why bother sometimes…
But the thing is, this is fine, and ok to experience right now, and it’s totally normal (if nothing else is, this feeling at least is).
I actually returned from that walk, having mulled this entire mood ove in my head, wondering why after those highs from the previous walks, was I having this now, and I felt so much more normal than I have for the past 6 weeks.
Guys we’ve now been here, surviving in lock-down, for 6 whole weeks. And while everything is still a bother and abnormal and surreal, your body and your moods are still putting you into your ‘normal’ moods and cycles. It’s no longer just “I feel awful because of all this crap going on in the outside world”, it’s also back to “I feel crap because today, my body and brain say so, and I can’t really fix it somehow, so I’ll just sulk and ride it out”. Like you used to before all this happened. And like you will after all this is over.
I don’t know about you, but even though my mood has been quite meh for the past two days, this is somehow giving me a lot of (much needed) hope for the future.
How are you guys feeling about all this? Do you sometimes have these odd moods that you recognise from before the lock-down, or has every day these past 6 weeks been a new, constant struggle to just adapt and survive? Are you guys doing ok?